A Little Tooo Much...

So, I don't know why I'm blogging again.

Everytime I write something here I think to myself, "Oh My Goodness, You.are.a.tool. Take it down. Honestly, I could be putting it into a journal and it would be much more private and less.... Just less. And maybe that's the point. I want to put it out into the universe, send it away.

After publishing the Fragile post, I immediately wanted to take it down. Does that make any sense at all? I want it there to get it out but I don't want it there because you read this. I'll be honest, whenever people are too honest and emotional and sensitive in their blogs, I just roll my eyes. I'm like ok, you just want attention. That is obviously judgy me doing that, but because I am like that I have this overwhelming fear that I seem fake and I honest to God just want to be really friggin genuine. If I am nothing else in life, that is the one thing I want to be and aspire for.

So this is where I am realizing that I really do care what people think.......

Only, I don't care if people think that I'm crazy, loud, obnoxious, funny, sarcastic, big-mouth, judgy or an idiot; because I am all of those things and those can all be fun. However, I do care if people think I'm wounded, sad, hurt, weak, dishonest, incapable of strength, insecure and basically just an all around cry baby. I don't want to be the cliche walking wounded person. I'm not that person... Not completely.

So I guess it's possible to be all of these things, at the same time. Some are hiding others, but they are still real and genuine. Right?

Fragility.

So many things are so fragile, cracking and crumbling and gone so quickly. Fragility of mind and body itself can come and go. Leaving strength to return just as urgently as it left.

It's a very confusing state to be in, feeling so utterly breakable that with just one more little push, you're gonna go down. The tears right on the edge of your eyelids, but not spilling over. It's not just about sadness either, that fragility, even joy can make it spill over. Laughter. Any of it. Feeling anything at all can make you fall, make you tumble out of your own skin and then you are in trouble. Then you are just bare.

So you gather that strength that you thought was gone, you gather your skin and put it back on, maybe adding a layer of armor to it. Ever so quickly so no one sees your ass flying out in the wind. Because that would be quite the sight to behold and most definitely make for an awkward conversation, an awkward moment. Being stared at. Nothing is more awkward than people looking, gawking at you in slight horror, slight amazement.

Be Honest

"If you're gonna write something, be honest, Trisha." - Me to myself, just now.


Unfortunately there was an incident this morning where I just came to a point that I could not listen to my daughter talk about hair, make-up, legs, feet, clothes, this girl, that girl, bangs, tights, shirts, pants, fashion, etc. for one more second. I have been listening to it for months now and I just exploded. I just yelled, "Would you please talk about something else besides your freaking shoes, your hair, your eyes, your feet, your height! You're beautiful! I know it's where you are in life right now, but you gotta get past this obsession with your looks and move on! You are who you are, who cares about other people's this and that. You are you! You are beautiful!" I just couldn't take it anymore. It's all she talks about.

I shouldn't have yelled. I know. It bothers me as much as it bothers you but for the love of all that is holy, she isn't even 12 yet. If she is starting all this fashion talk now, what the hell is left for 16? I don't even want to know. Don't get me wrong, I love fashion. I love shopping and doing all that stuff with her, but there's more to life.

The worst part is, I feel it's my fault. When she was younger, I may have been slightly obsessed with fashioin and that may have molded her mind into thinking jeans and sweaters in combination with the right necklace and boot makes the world go round, because it does. Although, like I said, there are other things.

This is where I am at right now, One. I need to bring more discipline, and by discipline I don't mean sending her to her room for online shopping but rather controlling ones self when it comes to things like "fashion". Also bringing more substance into my childrens lives so that the things that youngens can get a little obsessed with, like fashion, can be realized as just what they are. A fun afterthought. Two, Chill out and don't take it too seriously. Three, apologize for yelling.

So, instead of shopping as bonding, we will be doing more museuming as bonding. More science and nature as fun rewards. I'm thinking horseback riding and nature reserves, Music lessons. You see where I'm going with this?

 "Let's talk about Science, Kids!" - That will be me.

It's a fine line, folks. One day you think you're doing great as a parent and the next day you think you're an idiot. Most days, both are true.